I have got to blog about this latest happening at work. I can’t find a more perfect example of how stupid someone can be. Also, perhaps, a reason why being a good Samaritan might not be worth the time or effort.

I was walking out to the parking lot, to get in my truck to head to Jefferson, when I noticed a trail of motor oil down the center of one of the aisles of the parking lot. This trail of motor oil was a continuous splatter a few feet wide, and curved off to the right where a maroon colored Chevy Astro Van was parked.

This, I had to see.

I walked over to the minivan, and looked underneath it. There was a huge puddle of motor oil underneath the engine, and it was still dripping as I was leaning down looking at it.
I thought to myself, I have to figure out whose vehicle this is, so I can warn them about them losing this huge quantity of oil.

I called Terri (Principal’s secretary) on my cell phone, and reported that there was this minivan in the parking lot with a trail of oil leading to it. She put out a building-wide E-Mail to alert anyone owning this minivan to call her right away.

Everyone I saw in the hallway, I was asking, “Do you know who owns the maroon minivan out in the staff parking lot?” Nobody knew who this mystery parker was. But I was bound and determined to find out, so I could do my good Samaritan deed for the year.

I called Terri again, and she hadn’t received a call from anyone, and no one in the office knew who it could be either.

Finally, I was on the way back from lunch, and a car, once parked near the elusive maroon minivan, was pulling out. I asked the owner, “Do you know who owns that maroon minivan over there?” I finally got my first clue. It could possibly be some guy working in the ESL (English as a second language) department.

I walked back into the Middle School, and once back to the office, I immediately called down to that department. The teacher in the room didn’t know off hand if anyone had a maroon minivan, but she would ask around and get back to me. Later, I received a voice mail that it wasn’t anyone in her area.

At this point, I was desperate. I got out a legal sized piece of paper, and wrote on it in red marker, “Do not start your engine! Oil Leak!”, with an arrow pointing straight down. I went back outside, and placed the note under this now famous minivan’s windshield wiper. I was now determined that the individual that had this Exxon-Valdez sized oil leak under their vehicle would be notified.

I called back to the main office an hour later to see if they had heard anything, and indeed they had! They had found the individual, we’ll call him Mr. Shitshispants, had been located, and was notified of his little car problem.

Ahhhhhh! It felt good to do something that saved someone the expense of a seized engine!

But, alas, this story is not over!

I received a cell-phone call from Andrea, my co-worker and friend, as she was leaving the building. Apparently, there was a vehicle blocking one of the exit lanes of the staff parking lot, with its hood up, two kids wondering around out, and the owner, scratching his head, trying to figure out what was wrong.

YOU GOT IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! IT WAS MR. SHITSHISPANTS, AND THE MAROON COLORED MINIVAN! THIS BLOOMING IDIOT HAD IGNORED A BUILDING-WIDE E-MAIL, A NOTIFICATION FROM THE MAIN OFFICE, A SHEET OF PAPER UNDER HIS WINDSHIELD WIPER, AND AN OBVIOUS 2-FOOT WIDE TRAIL OF OIL LEADING DIRECTLY TO HIS VEHICLE….. AND PROCEEDED TO BACK OUT OF HIS PARKING SPOT, AND HEAD HOME. He made it approximately 25 feet, before his engine stopped.

In case I need to clarify myself further, there was a 2-foot wide trail of oil LEADING to this vehicle, and anyone with eyesight could put 2 and 2 together, and determine that their vehicle might have a SLIGHT problem.

I’ll be damned if I’m helping him anymore. This gentleman is supposed to be a teacher’s helper, and works one-on-one with kids everyday.

If you have a story of extreme stupidity worse (and funnier) than this, please share in my comments below!

Corissa: My name is Corissa, your Schwan’s Customer Service Representative. How may I assist you today?

BRIAN: Hello Corissa. My former Schwan’s delivery man’s last day of delivery was 2 weeks ago. My scheduled delivery is for tonight, but nobody has stopped by today.

Corissa: Could I have your telephone number starting with the area code so that I may look up your customer record?

BRIAN: 507-xxx-xxxx.

Corissa: Am I speaking to Brian?

BRIAN: This is him.

Corissa: I will forward your message to the local Schwan’s Department. Someone should be contacting you regarding your message. Is there anything more I can assist you with today?

BRIAN: That is my only concern today. It is disappointing because I had an order ready.

Corissa: I apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you for contacting Schwan’s Home Service. Please let us know if we can be of further assistance by visiting us at www.schwans.com, or calling 1-888-SCHWANS (1-888-724-9267).

BRIAN: Will someone be contacting me tonight, or will it be at a future time?

Corissa: Someone should be contacting you in the next two business days.

BRIAN: How will that help me continue my Schwan’s service with my scheduled stop tonight?

Corissa: I apologize that you were not serviced or contacted. I have forwarded your message to the local Schwan’s Department.

BRIAN: Is a credit or free pizzas too much to ask?

Corissa: I have forwarded your message to the local Schwan’s Department. Someone should be contacting you within the next two business days.

BRIAN: Thank you, Corissa. For my records, could I get your last time or an identification number?

Corissa: Unfortunately, I am not allowed to release that information. If you do have any concerns, please contact us at 1-888-724-9267.

BRIAN: OK, I don’t believe you have been any help to me whatsoever, but I do appreciate your politically correct talk. It nicely masks the inability to serve your customers. I will keep that in mind. Have a great night.

As I was installing my new Pace Edwards Jackrabbit Roll-top cover on Saturday, I came to the realization that I am officially ready for spring.  As I was crouched over in the back of my new Chevy Silverado’s box, getting dripped on with melting snow from the carport, and hit in the face with the 10-15 mile-per-hour winds that made it feel like 10 degrees on my skin, I am thinking, what the HELL am I doing here?

I miss four-wheeling, and I can’t wait for muddin season again.  My friend Joe says someone he knows is organizing a mud run at the County Fairgrounds for the month of March.  If my truck passes the tech inspection, I’ll probably be up for it.  If not, it’ll be a cool opportunity to make a new video.

This weather gets me depressed.  Aren’t we supposed to be having another Indian Summer?  Aren’t we about due for one?  According to Sky-Max 5 chief meterologist Dave Dahl, it doesn’t look like it.  20s and 30s for highs again for the next 7 days, which sounds shitty into the start of March.  I usually have the Camaro out by this time, and yet, the roads are still heavily sanded, and we haven’t dried out for weeks…

Piss on this roll-top cover for now.  The thing doesn’t close because I need to re-shim the rails, and now there’s another half inch of ice and snow on the ground outside.  I need a warm garage!

The deadly Asian earthquake may have permanently accelerated the Earth’s rotation, shortening days by a fraction of a second and caused the planet to wobble on its axis, U.S. scientists said Tuesday.

Richard Gross, a geophysicist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, theorized that a shift of mass toward the Earth’s center during the quake Sunday caused the planet to spin 3 microseconds, or millionths of a second, faster and to tilt about an inch on its axis.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/29/quake.wobble.reut/index.html

I have a new pet peeve.

Don’t you just love it when people use a very inticing statement or question as their screen name on MSN Messenger?  The best kind of all, is the “Don’t Talk to Me” screen names.

Well if you don’t want people to talk to you, why do you even have your MSN Messenger loaded then?  At least appear offline, for god’s sake.

I found a small cardboard sleeve containing the words “Free Gift Inside!” in my mailbox on Friday.  Naturally, I ripped open the package, and inside was a DVD of “Top Truck Challenge ’04” and a Bronze Medallion with the words “FOUR WHEELER” on it.  “Wow, this is kinda cool,” I thought, as I examined the case the DVD came in.

The Top Truck Challenge is a yearly contest that Four Wheeler magazine sponsors, that puts the most functional 4x4s and hybrid buggies to the test with several obstacles.  Among the obstacles are a big mud pit, tank trap, and mini-rubicon.

I put the DVD on my shelf in the living room with the rest of my collection.  “Pretty cool free gift,” I thought.

I was pretty much ready to throw the shredded cardboard carton away, when I noticed there was a few sheets of paper in there.  One of them contained a “Merchandise Return Label”, and the other a letter.  The usual “Thanks for being a subscriber” line, and then the “…please accept this DVD as a token of our thanks..”

What I didn’t expect, is what the letter continued to say…

It stated that I was free to try the DVD for 30 days.  If I kept it, I’d be billed the amount of the DVD, and I would receive a new DVD every month that I could choose to keep or return.

“What the HELL?” I thought.  “It’s a stupid TIME-LIFE Book plan, except I didn’t even ask for the plan to start!”  I wasn’t happy, mainly because I had almost thrown away the piece of paper that told me that I was going to get screwed every month for the next year.

In able to return the DVD, I needed to return it in the same cardboard envelope they provided (now ripped, torn, and mangled), and attach the “Merchandise Return Label” to the front, as well as check a box “No Thanks” to the rest of their program.

If I hadn’t subscribed to their magazine through Ebay for a 5 YEAR subscription for $4.20, plus $2.95 shipping and handling back in 2002, I’d be REALLY pissed right now.

Revenge, I thought.  How could I get revenge on these lowest-of-the-low rip-off artists?

Simple, their DVD didn’t contain CSS Encryption.  Read between the lines, and you’ll see where I’m going with that.

I enjoyed the movie, and then sent it back in the mangled cardboard container, at their expense.  I’m sure some of my friends will enjoy it in the months to come as well!

… And I kept my Bronze FOUR WHEELER Coin “just for trying it out”.