I have an admission to make. I’m still a damn child. And I guess an asshole.
Bethany and I were at a parade today in LaCrescent, MN, and there was this obnoxious older lady probably in her late 60s that demanded everybody throw her candy. When a float came by with walkers that were giving out string cheese, she demanded two pieces. She demanded a Freez-e from another and got huffy when the walker exclaimed “they’re for the kids only, ma’am.” The final straw was when she stole a Blow-pop from the feet of my girlfriend before she had a chance to pick it up (yes, she was running all around for candy like a damn 7 year old). “Sorrrr-eeee” goes the old lady to Bethany after she picks it up.
That was it. I took a Strawberry Dum-Dum out of our candy collection, unwrapped it, licked that baby and made sure to moisten that thing up as much as I possibly could, and wrapped it back up. Minutes later, there was my queue. A fierce volley of Dum-Dums thrown by yet another float and I knew it was time. Without a moment’s hesitation and while keeping my vision focused directly ahead, I sidearmed my saliva coated Dum-Dum to my right side just as the Dum-Dums from the float were hopping and bouncing their way to the curb. And there it was. Sweet, sweet strawberry victory. Maybe it was just one candy in her very large bounty bag of hundreds of others, but for me, that one piece was the sweetest candy of them all…
…and, as you might imagine, Bethany was still not impressed 